Shopping Lists and The Medicine Dropper....

I am an emotional girl, I didn't used to be... my motto was was suppress it, forgive it, forget it and go on about my day... Till one day, it all bubbled to the surface, a giant wave of acid that took over my body and my soul... and I realized I had to find some sort of a balance... I am not sure when it all changed or if it really completely did, or if I would just like to think it did... maybe when I had kids, maybe I finally began to feel, to cry, to feel the need to express emotion... But I don't think heart break suits me much... I found a grey hair today, the first one in years, tiny, small, sprouting from the hairline, catching the light from the mirror. I plucked it immediately and prayed to the vanity gods that no more would come.. I ran today, till I about passed out and puked, I can't seem to get myself back in the swing of it all... I mean the grey hair thing really fucked me up... I have to be cute, it's my motto, fuck it's printed on my business cards, I don't have much more going for me ya know.... I can't age, not now... I am still single... I am lucky, I don't look too much different than when I was twenty. I only weigh about 10 pounds more (and after 4 kids that is quite the accomplishment, thank you very much!), but my face is thinner, possibly my eyes seem a bit deeper set, a few lines here and there, but overall I think I am aging ok.... I smile a lot, and pout when I am sad... I think the smiling thing helps... I try to not to scowl or frown a lot... that causes ugly lines... but yeah, I can't let this heartbreak thing fuck me up.. But in thinking maybe beyond the fact that I think it is quite possible that I loved this one more than all the rest, and that I think I have cried more than I really want to admit, is because I never really cried for all the others... When I walked out on my rocker boy of 3 years, I didn't cry. I loved him, I would have done anything for him, but I had realized that he didn't love me anymore... When all the signs and symptoms were no longer hidden, I knew he no longer felt the need to protect me, and in that I couldn't love him anymore.. When my husband left me, I didn't cry, well not for him, there were tears but they were for my kids and for what they would face. But for me, I was relieved. He broke me down, and caused the plagues that haunt me still.. I was a cocky girl before he came about, I knew men wanted me, and how to make them want me even if they didn't... I lost that aire, he told me over and over again, I wasn't pretty enough, that I wasn't thin enough or what his friends or family thought he should be with. He hid me away, and I closed myself off into a tight cocoon of unhappiness. I lost myself in motherhood and forgot the fun, carefree girl I used to be.. honestly, I can't even pretend to recapture those days, or those ways, I haven't a clue... My next boyfriend helped me feel good again, I felt pretty and an element of my former self, he made me realize it was ok to merge the two, the me of today and the me of yesterday. we faded and I felt loss, but I didn't cry, there was no formal goodbye, we just quit talking one day, years later we resurfaced in the form of a friendship a tumultuous one but never the less a real friendship, that is nice to have.... this one, mmmmm this one, I don't know, the same issues come up, but I can tell him, I felt safe in telling him... he is the first person I truly face to face have opened up to. I trust him, still, even through it all... cuz yeah, I don't really feel the cancellation, just the network trying out a new drama, but we all go back to the syndicated sitcoms in the end... those quirky shows just never really get out of your system, hard to forget ya know.... so maybe I cried to release it all, and maybe I am done crying, suppression is a bitch, it always comes up when you least except it...

on more positive note, I realized a few things this last trip, if nothing else trips give you perspective-

I should feel like that with someone, I should have this overwhelming, all encompassing, almost neurotic love for someone, it should feel that powerful, I would never be truly happy with anything less

I should be absolutely in love with where I am at, I should walk out everyday and say, wow, I live here, amazing, I love it here.... comes a point the fact that we merely exist is just not nearly enough... time for a change...

I should be happier... I am not happy. I love being a mom, I love being with my kids, but I need a greater level of personal satisfaction to be a better person, not only for me but for them as well..

I should be more motivated to make things happen for myself, setting on my ass, writing a half ass blog is not gonna get me anywhere... it barely accomplishes even the healing effect that I was hoping for anymore... so gonna really pursue writing... I love it, and I feel alive getting my lil obscure thoughts out and into the atmosphere... the blog will always be here, but gonna really allocate some time to submitting, writing, and working my ass off to get something going for myself...

I should drink more, I think very becoming.... horny, emotional and sappy- I think very cute... (ohh no not so, well I didn't think so either....)

regardless, there it all is....