I hate those words... I really do... nothing is worse than all your friends laying into you for the lame shit that you do.. I often get told in advance exactly what will happen, but I refuse to believe it, for the greater need to have a sort of story book life... but ya know.... live and learn, right??? according to my friends, I don't.... mmmmmm??? this is all making me think....
I got an email from a boy I have known forever... hardcore boy, we hooked up a few time, but it was just never really "us" ya know.... he was and ummm still is a bit toooo honest for me:
Ohhh fuck, I told you so, I knew if you went it would be a mess. Seriously Laura, when are you gonna learn? You are the only girl I know from back in the day, that went through the amount of shit that you did, and just never got bitter or scorned. A good thing yes, but take some of the shit and learn from it ok?? You walk into every relationship and opportunity for relationship doe eyed and naive. You have been there and done it all, but I swear you still are dumb as fuck. You are one of those girls, those really nice girls, that guys think they want but don't because you make it too easy, hence you get fucked over, there is no challenge to it. You smile too much if you ask me, I can even imagine it now. Ohh Christ, I am not gonna even say it, I know exactly how you acted, especially if you were drinking, fuck.... dumb girl, dumb girl... You are too sweet, and seemingly innocent. You have never had the upper hand with any man, you need to learn how to make that happen. I love you to death, but I want to slap the shit out of you. No cheeky responses, I didn't mean slapping in a good way..
actually I hated that email, it made me cry... but some elements of it are true... he is right... I am not naive, but I get caught up in the moment, and I swear every new boy feels like the first and the only.. I do walk into things wide eyed, hoping for the best, and leave teary eyed because it never seems to happen the way I imagined in my head. I do have a cheeky response for everything, easier than really assessing the damage and making plans towards a fixture.. But I am glad, I never became one of those bitter bitches, I am glad I walk around with a cheesy smile.. better than some nasty scowl.. I am ok with that.. I am a flirty drunk, I know, it prob comes across badly and makes me look desperate, but I am, seriously I am getting to that point... I am glad I have friends who are asses enough to spout off the judgements with such clear intention to upset me? NOT... In it all, through it all, I am who I am... I handle things the way I do, it may not always be right or wrong or helpful but fuck.... it is hard to change.. I don't even think I want to change.. somewhere, someone will just totally get me, and love me regardless, well here is hoping that at least... I will always want the same things in life, in love, in people.... if I get em one day, fabulous... if I don't I will have known I tried... I still be disappointed as fuck but whatcha gonna do....
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3 comments:
Mistress, I apologize in advance if these reads less lovingly than I mean it. You put your life out here for all of us to read about, and sometimes it's frustrating. Life is frustrating. That's the way it is. I wouldn't use a term like "dumb as fuck" to describe you. But I understand what this guy means when he says "I love you to death, but I want to slap the shit out of you." We had an email exchange, you know what I mean.
BUT. But this is the thing. When he says that you are "too sweet, and seemingly innocent"... I mean, is that really such a bad thing? Yes, you've put yourself in positions to be hurt (and I can only speak from what I've read on this blog), but is that such a BAD THING? Yes, you've been hurt, Mistress, and you've cried your eyes out. We've all had that. But God love you, babe, for having the guts to stick out your neck every time. To put your whole heart on the line, and to be so open to love in the first place that you even allow yourself to be hurt. So many of us are afraid to be that open, because we've been so hurt in the past. And that makes every new relationship a frustrating struggle, because we'll only give trust a little at a time.
When this guy says to you that you need to learn how to have the upper hand, or that you make things too easy, he's speaking, in some way, from fear. A lot of us aren't so willing to fall head over heels for someone so quickly, because we're afraid to get hurt. You do get hurt but, god damn it, the last thing I'd ever accuse you of is being afraid.
The thing is, I feel like I've said things to you on this blog that are judgmental or harsh without realizing how mean they sound. But I've been thinking about this post and I do know one thing: you're smart. And another: you're tough. You're a mother and, from what I can tell, a pretty damn good one. You know what you're doing. And it's no crime to want love on top of what you've already got. And the fact that you're so open to that... Christ, woman, that's amazing.
I'm glad you wrote this post. Because you have frustrated me with past ones, but now I think I understand you a lot more. It's not really my place to be frustrated, anyway, but damn it, I like you and I like reading your blog.
You keep smiling. You keep flirting. You keep being who you are. We like who you are. You don't have to change. If someone else is too cynical, too hurt by life, too hard and angry and bitter to understand that someone who's gone through your shit can come out of it without the mental scars, still open to love and hoping for the best...FUCK THEM. They won't understand.
You're not naive. You're fucking incredible.
Stay tuff, Mistress.
He is right you know.
But the thing is: You know I totally understand you and I would probably do the same thing.
Well in those sorta things we are VERY similar. We both are "accidental drama queens (I'm the little prince though, okay?)".
Pitty that it makes sense: no huge light without a big shade near it.
You still stay though and never get kicked down.
If everything (I mean our lives) vanish down the gutter (and I have the feeling that it could come bad again - also for me) then we should abandon everything, go to an island somewhere in the carribean and... yah you know. Bitching, drinking, stuffin, and just hating everything ;)
Samurai Frog- those are some of the most heart felt and sincere words anyone has written to me.. I know I kinda have gone on and on and on about all of this, but I have yet to find the words that make sense of it in my head.. but thanks you for your understanding and for it all....
Roentgen- you know I love you more than anything... yes two peas in a pod we are... parallel lives across the globe, same sorta issues, very similar dealings... I hope we never get soo bitter that we have to make that trip, i hope we make that trip a fab vacation and drink to celebrate and not co-miserate...
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