Walking Contradictions

Funny, when I try to define myself, and I often do. Filling out all those online applications for swinging singles takes a lot of thinking.... I can never seem to really come up with solid concrete terms that describe me... the things that I think I can do or can't do seem to have all sorts of grey fuzzing about. For example:

I am capable of love- I mean I would like to think, yeah I have no issues falling in love, I would like to think that, I can easily say "I love you", but I can't... I often want to, I probably should now and then, but I can't... Part of me can't for fear I won't hear it in return, the other half stops it in mid I... because of fear that if it is returned one day it will be taken away.. and that is even more painful. But yeah totally open to it, but then again, I don't know.... I just hate getting hurt... such a bummer.... but I guess it is more fun to just in jump feet first than it is to sit there and test the water, over and over again... the water may never feel right, and what a loss that would be... I love swimming...

I can apologize- Sure I can say the words, but I know for a fact that most of the time I utter them, there is no truth behind them whatsoever, that they are just words that I say to get the other person to just shut the hell up. Especially when I know I am right, and I am most likely to be right... I guess the true mark of my sincere apology, is when I really try to correct the situation, then you know I really care... otherwise total bullshit.. sorry....

I am patient- Ok, not really, because a true patient person wouldn't have to tell herself over and over and over again to be patient...

I am giving- Yeah sure, with my kids, I would die for them.... but don't ask me to borrow my fave skirt, it ain't gonna happen. And I hate the idea of ordering Chinese and everyone shares... fuck that, if I ordered the kung pao shrimp it is because I wanted it, and I'll be damned if you get any...

I am romantic- fuck, for real, this one is a real tightrope for me. I always coveted myself as a wham bam thank you mam type of girl, fuck me and get the hell outta here... but as I get older, I really love all the cutesy shit.. I think more and more I want that old fashioned courtship and all the little shit that comes along with that.. so if anyone knows, how that shit works... there are gifts involved yes??

I am a good listener- yes, if it is something I want to hear, otherwise, after years of listening to screaming, forever talking kids, I have become the master of the tune out and look like I could give a rat's ass look... I smile real pretty too....

I am a social- yes, I can clearly state that I am a social little twit if I have been drinking... and I can say that if approached, I will most likely talk your ear off about most anything. But I am scared to death to approach new people. Seriously I went through semesters in college, where I didn't talk to a soul. Then I found alcohol and it was smooothe sailing....

I am confident- mmm, on a good day, hell yeah... When I know my ass looks great in my jeans, and my hair actually is working... then yes definitely confident. One a bad day, hell no..... on most days hell no... my hair almost never works..... I live in that eternal struggle, I am a fit girl who always feels fat, a healthy girl who always feels sick, a cute girl who always feels ugly. I can look in the mirror and give myself a fair assessment, but like all girls need reassurance to maintain that smug "I know you want me" look all day. I guess that is why I don't mind the pervs at my work that hit on me, makes me wicked uncomfortable but they validate this internal need to feel wanted... sad..... sadder that I was able to recognize that about myself....

I guess none of this is news to me... I know myself pretty well. I can say that I am pretty open, I have been through it all, and I always figure, if it happened more than a day ago, it is a story.... I am good about detaching the emotion and stripping it down to it's bare parts... just a story... I learn new things everyday, sometimes they surprise me, sometimes they don't. I guess like all people, we are walking contradictions, that it would be difficult to clearly and in concrete terms define ourselves..

if only those forms could be less complicated, I could be getting me some serious action more regularly.... ok, regularly would be pushing it... regularly would imply I actually get some....

fuck it, I will just lie.... that works right.....