Short stories from my childhood- a very fucked up childhood
When I was growing up in Phoenix, summer rains bring out the toads which sit in the middle of the road to soak in the sun, which almost always get hit by cars, the rain stops and the heat hits, drying the smashed toads into little dried toad pancakes which in turn become killer frizbees.
Kids, It is good to be involved in outdoor sports.
I jumped off my roof when I was a kid after seeing Mary Poppins (damn her) I took out my cute little Holly Hobby umbrella, put on my Wonder Woman Underoos and wore my Grandma's apron (I needed a cape) and climbed up on the roof. I started singing a Spoon Full of Sugar and leaped off. Broke my arm and developed a fear of heights.
Kids, Don't try movie stunts at home.
I love, love, love all those great info-mercials with the spray on hair. I got some when I was a kid and sprayed my arms and legs -hoping to play freak show and charge admission- world's harryiest kid. It didn't work, I just looked brown- more like a giant turd. All the kids made fun of me.....
Kids, Don't buy shit off info-mericals - they usually don't work.
I used to go to the school dances and dance all by myself in front of the strobe light. Everyone thought I was a loser. I thought I was super sexy! Years later, when I was a feature dancer
I was raking in the money. Who's the looser now??
Parents, Teach your children more than how to dance seductively, if you want them to truly be successful in life and love.
I was often left at home with random babysitters. I developed a passion for cooking with Bisquick. I made everything you could make off the back of the box. Problem was, I was only 6 and wasn't supposed to be using the stove so my little brother and I would have to eat all the evidence. My family began to notice as we became increasingly obese. When grounded from the stove, I started using the crock pot, (I had an addiction...) it takes for fucking ever to make a pancake in that damn thing.
Parents, Hire quality babysitters or your kids may end up fat asses before they reach the age of ten.
When I was a pre-teen, I really wanted to impress this really cute boy who lived in my neighborhood. I watched as he and a group of friends walked past my front yard. I began swinging around a coke bottle that I had tied onto a wire. (why? I don't have a fuckin clue- why would that impress any guy?? what was I thinking?) I swung it faster and faster, but my plan backfired; I hit myself in the head, knocking myself unconscious, fracturing my skull and landing 15 stitches. Well needless to say I didn't get the guy and I earned a "retard" label that lasted well forever...
Girls, You don't have to work so hard to impress a guy, a majority of the time you end up looking desperate and foolish.
Thats all I got, today....
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8 comments:
True Story -
While in the first grade I was goofing around with some friends in the boy's bathroom. I climbed up and over the top of one of the stall doors, then slipped and fell. I heard a nasty ripping sound and thought to myself, "My shirt! Mom's gonna kill me!"
Then I looked in the direction of the sound.
It wasn't my shirt that was ripped open, but my right arm, from just below the wrist joint to my lower tricep. I remember the first thought that came into my mind was that my tricep muscle looked a pile of buttered rice.
Then I fainted. Still have the scar. Just thought I'd share.
When I was in high school my best friend and I would take monster bong hits and then play "strobe light tag". You put it on the lowest blink setting and try to find your target between flashes.
Not nowhere near as cool as your story. In fact, looking back it sounds more than a little homoerotic.
Well, one time I was washing dishes and my little brother kept blasting me with his squirtgun. Being only a little bitch at the time, I tried to be tough and said I was gonna rip his head off if he did it again.
He did.
I ran after him with a glass in my hand, got to close to the fridge and crushed the glass. Severed an artery - blood on the ceiling, brother freaking out - me unable to believe I could even HAVE that much blood -
Good times...
lol
Can I steal your childhood stories?
Life locked in a box lacked adventure.
Rob Anderson and Loud Mouth Bitch-Children- No matter how cool the bodies exihibit was our insides are best left on the inside.
Creepy- Parents, expose your children to a variety of people so that they don't wind up joining the wrong crowd and playing Dungeons and Dragons and Strobe Light Tag.
Phoomaton- Once day Daniel-sung you shall surpass the master- but continue in the meantime with Wax on, Wax off!
Justacoolcat- noo, stay in your box! That is my childhood and as warped as it was- I loved every second of it. Steal one of these blood thirsty crazies childhoods from above...
More Madness Or, Childhood Bloody Childhood -
In the summer of my 10th year, my friends and I were jumping around a lawn water-toy. It attached to the hose and, when the water was turned up fool blast, wiggled and shimmied all over the lawn, spraying everyone with water.
At one point we decided to go inside the house for juice bars. As I was stepping up the walkway to my front door, one of my friends grew bugged-eyed, pointed to the ground and exclaimed "What's wrong Robbie?!"
I looked down and behind me, only to find very bloody footprints. Mine. I screamed for my parents, who rushed me to the hospital. I bled like a sieve, but survived.
Turns out some jackass had broken a coke bottle on our lawn, and hidden in the uncut grass was the base of the bottle with one razor-sharp shard sticking straight up. That's why I didn't feel it when I stepped on it.
The doctors said if the shard had been just a bit longer it would have the juncture of my femoral artery and...well, lets just say that today instead of typing this I would be a ten-year-old sized corpse at the bottom of a six foot hole. Enough said.
Robby(I want to call you Robby)- you were a poor little accident prone child- I feel for you I really do but share one more bloody story and I will have to cut you down myself! You are making me ill!!!!
I am sensitive....
I love morality childhoods!
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