I just sat in the bath and cried for the last 30 minutes, maybe it is hormonal, maybe I am totally loosing it, or maybe I am just fuckin miserable. There are times where the constant noise just gets to me. There are times when it all just breaks me down.... I love being a mom, I found myself when I became a mother, but I also lost myself. I have no idea who I am anymore. I write about the old days, the ever eternal search for love, the ups and downs, whatever it needs to be to vent or to distract myself. But the plain truth is sometimes I am miserable and scared and just altogether bored.... I tell myself not to compromise to find what it is that I am looking for, but maybe what I am looking for is all wrong for me. Maybe that all encompassing amazing love I want to exist, doesn't really... Maybe the connections I think I have with people are them just being nice... Maybe the friends I have are not really my friends... Maybe I hate the people I should love. Maybe they have all hurt me too much I don't feel as if I can ever heal. Maybe that passive aggressive shit that people pull makes me want to beat the shit out of them. Maybe I hate listening to my ex complain about his girlfriend, and how hard he works on that relationship, knowing he treated me like shit. Maybe I am waiting for someone to just make some sort of a gesture my way, so that I know he fuckin cares, because honestly I can't tell.. Maybe I hate waking up and taking the dog out at 3 am. I hate granola bars ground into my carpet. I hate not having my own place. I hate living here. I hate working this hard to be somewhat cute, and then knowing I will be single for fuckin ever anyways. I hate that my tax return wasn't what I was expecting. I hate now that I have to struggle to figure out how to make something happen for myself that is completely self indulgent but I need it soo bad, cuz I am totally loosing myself more and more every fuckin day.... I hate crying..... I just hate it....
and if one person, tells me I need to make time for myself I am gonna friggin scream!! if that was remotely a possibility believe me I would be taking it....
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10 comments:
We all have those kind of days!! But don't let it take toll on you!! You are a beautiful woman, from what I saw from your entries, and awsome mother, and you will find a good man!!
And crying just help getting all that stress out!!
Actually we have so much in common, with our personalities... and I know excactly what you mean.
You all do these little bits, a lot of them, all for good sake, but sometimes you just feel the whole thing starts to crack. It doesn't fit together.
Anyway: Stick to who you are, and what you do. Everybody needs a little slap on the back every now and then with a "Cheer up and get going, you're doing the right thing! And you do it beautifully!"
I feel the exact same way and I don't have a crazy ex or kids. Alot of times I really ask myself "is this it"? cause there has to be more out there.
I unfortunately have nothing positive to add. Maybe get a new hobby or do something that you've always wanted to do, like travel somewhere? My thoughts are with ya, Schroom.
Stress is definitely hard to deal with. Just remember that the feelings will pass, you have a lot going for you and if you need to scream...just let it out, in the gym or outdoors. Sometimes all I need is a good cry, and a good yell of "fuck you!" to the world. Many hugs and loves for my Shroomy. xoxo
I so understand what you mean! Right now, in fact, I am so pissed off I am trying to clean my whole entire house to "Work Of The Anger".
Is it a rut, like you say - is it us? I wish someone could tell us the truth - and THEN tell us what th fuck to do about it!!!!!
grrr - Sorry, not what you needed to hear.
You are so smart and so logical - Maybe we should meet and go on a Thelma and Louise Rampage...
get some cute little boys - knock off some stores. Feeling the wind whipping through our hair as we outrun the cops...
The only thing missing would be the "Going off the cliff thing" at the end.
I don't want to die... I want someone ELSE to die. :)
Oh Lord, Shroomy, I hate being told to take time for myself as well. When you have kids, it just isn't always possible, especially if you work full-time. You need a place to vent. Maybe this is it. Sometimes I want to scream when I get so buried that I don't know how I will make it through the day. Loud music is my method of catharsis. I crank it up in my car and scream along. What else can you do? Hang in there.
I can't even find time to go to the gym with 2 children, a wife, and a caregiver looking after the oldest one.
No wonder you are overwhelmed.
Are you involved in any parenting groups where you get to hang out with other Moms and Dads in your area? You never know if any of these parents ahave single friends, brothers, etc who need to be hooked up, or stripped down, plus it would give you a venue to vent about having 4 beautiful kiddies and being single.
Big hug for you.
Jill- yeah we do, 98% of the time I am cool.. Last week was a ridiculously long week, where nothing felt like it was going right, everything I started ended in disaster... It was hard to stay positive.. A good cry was in order.... a big blogging vent and a big cry.... and 4 pints of Ben and Jerrys- yep feeling much better...
Roentgen- awwww see this is why one day I shall make you my wife... I love you sooo!!!!! you always have the right words, the right timing and the underlying understanding that maintains this friendship... you my dear, I will hold as my ideal- and doubtful anyone will ever match it....
Teri- thanks sweets! I am trying to arrange a getaway just for me, in celebration of me and surviving the last several years... I am trying believe me.... the kids are fab but we all need a bit of me time...
Angela- ohhh yeah the gym is my best friend... she knows how to whip my ass out of depression for sure... I ran my ass off on the treadmill til I literally puked.. I felt like I was running away from it all, without actually abandoning anything... it was good... I am gonna do it again today... yup, and maybe everyday there after, before you know it I will sporting a mohawk and running the marathon.. ok, maybe not the mohawk- my ears stick out, I tried that look once, I wasn't cute...
Tenacious S- I hear ya sister, I have blown 3 sets of speakers in my car, I love my rock, but I tend to loose myself in disco, floating through the clouds... singing along like I am an American Idol (ok, bad audition Idol, but still....)
Speakeasy- after my valentine declaration- all I get is a hug??? you are such a tease... thanks babelicious, you got a brother?
Ben and Jerrys?? What's that?? Might don't have it down here!!
You're far too hard on yourself.
You know what you should do? Instead of a cardio class or extra time on the treadmill, you should look into a type of boxing class. Violence always makes me feel better.
Better to take out your frustrations on an inanimate object, eh?
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