If it makes you feel any better....

I prefer to sleep on the couch than on my bed... I don't feel alone when I cuddle up the the soft pillows that line the back. The couch confines my space, not allowing for the stretch and the sprawl or my arms reaching into the emptiness. Life, it gets to you after a while. Maybe if I compromised, it would all fall into place. But I can't, I won't... It wouldn't be what I wanted and I would never be happy. I have the hardest time trying to trust. It tears at me, I crack and I cry, I stand and I fall. I struggle with myself and my thoughts of it all. I pride myself for my independence, my strength but sometimes I think I might just be weak. I surround my every movement with children, so I that I forget, I am so busy I barely have time to breathe much less think, much less any remote possibility to believe. The recent months have me wanting more. A sense of me, that I think I lost. I find her dodging between the margins, laughing and beckoning me. She darts in and out of lines on the page. I tense, cuz I can't, I just can't follow her freely. I often equate that kind of freedom to death and panic only takes a short trip to Walmart to set in. I think all this hair pulling is because I finally am ready to believe, ready to trust, wanting to love. I can argue it in my head til I turn blue, but I retain a small sense of calm, because I know, it could possibly be true. If I got lost in his head, it wouldn't be death, that there would always be light. I trust he would always make sure there was a soft familiar light to lead the way. And that to me, is everything. So maybe I will trip and I will fall or maybe I will skip and run to it all, and maybe I will chance, even if only for a day. But some things are meant to be risked and some thoughts are better off shelved. And some things are worth it...
I don't really like sleeping on the couch....