I have given up trying, I have given up caring. You say the most hurtful things and you never recant. Years and years of things you say someone else did, but look in the mirror, it is you, it was you, it always has been. You fight to kill, I think merely for the win. The next day it all resumes the way it was, maybe that is your style but not mine. You may have raised the others to that standard but not me. I haven't forgiven you for the problems in the past, the ones that you conveniently tend to forget. All the while, more builds and builds. Layer after layer, the sediment compresses and tiny veins of pain throb through. But you don't see it, you never do. I have tried to explain, I have tried to work it through, but my words are mistaken for challenge and with your talons exposed you go to maim. I wonder does it make you feel empowered, are you making up for the loss of control you once thought you had? Or do you just see too much of him in my eyes, and the acid inside you starts to boil? As a girl, I always felt like an incomplete soul, like this greatly misshapen creature, but I realize now it wasn't my doing but the doing of the units I looked to for the pieces of the puzzle. But in their selfishness they chose to leave out all the corners and a few crucial pieces that made it all make sense. So when I see you close in on my own, it brings out more defense and more anger than you can imagine. I will not let you make my girls feel how I felt. I will not let you use your threats against my boys. The abandonment of love was never an appropriate form of punishment. You may think I do it all wrong, but I know in my heart that I don't. I have 10,000 times more patience than you, I have 10,000 times more wisdom than you give me credit for. I go to sleep every night, aching from what I need and want to say to you... but at least I know I am square with my children and they with me. You see we have this little thing called a policy- we right all wrongs and explain all our actions and no one goes to sleep mad. You could learn something from that.....
Saturday, January 06, 2007
I have given up...
I have given up trying, I have given up caring. You say the most hurtful things and you never recant. Years and years of things you say someone else did, but look in the mirror, it is you, it was you, it always has been. You fight to kill, I think merely for the win. The next day it all resumes the way it was, maybe that is your style but not mine. You may have raised the others to that standard but not me. I haven't forgiven you for the problems in the past, the ones that you conveniently tend to forget. All the while, more builds and builds. Layer after layer, the sediment compresses and tiny veins of pain throb through. But you don't see it, you never do. I have tried to explain, I have tried to work it through, but my words are mistaken for challenge and with your talons exposed you go to maim. I wonder does it make you feel empowered, are you making up for the loss of control you once thought you had? Or do you just see too much of him in my eyes, and the acid inside you starts to boil? As a girl, I always felt like an incomplete soul, like this greatly misshapen creature, but I realize now it wasn't my doing but the doing of the units I looked to for the pieces of the puzzle. But in their selfishness they chose to leave out all the corners and a few crucial pieces that made it all make sense. So when I see you close in on my own, it brings out more defense and more anger than you can imagine. I will not let you make my girls feel how I felt. I will not let you use your threats against my boys. The abandonment of love was never an appropriate form of punishment. You may think I do it all wrong, but I know in my heart that I don't. I have 10,000 times more patience than you, I have 10,000 times more wisdom than you give me credit for. I go to sleep every night, aching from what I need and want to say to you... but at least I know I am square with my children and they with me. You see we have this little thing called a policy- we right all wrongs and explain all our actions and no one goes to sleep mad. You could learn something from that.....
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14 comments:
The pain of a mother!! Nothing is more vivid than that!!!
I rarely see that side of you through your entries, but I like reading that side!!
And it seems a good way to go to sleep, with nobody angry!!
That was a very powerful post, that must have been very cathartic for you.
A lot of wisdom in there too...
WOW
That's all I have to say about that.
I can feel your power and strength, and also your yearning and sadness. You are vulnerable, but powerful. Thank you for letting us read that.
ey! EY!!! *spreads her arms* come here sugar! gimme a hug!
there are times when others will try to lower you to their level. they will push and push in the hopes of bringing you down. what they don't realize is if they succeed you will take them down with you and all will be destroyed. Be strong girlie, like i know you are. and remember shoulders to cry on are good to have but boobs to cry on are funner. :p
luv ya sista sledge.
Thank you all that commented or sent me emails, I really appreciate it, my breaking point has been a long time coming and I guess I needed to vent. Thanks for listening...
That sounds really serious. Just to say: I admire you for your strenght, all the things you have been through; you always found the right words for me, though my problems were nothing compared with your life, and I know that you'll do the best you can, be the best you are, and as last words: sometimes it's the best just to forgive and (try) to go on.
That was poetic, and must have been painful...
All I can say is: you are the best, no matter who has a gripe or complaint.
thank you my boys.... It is nice to have a safe place in which to speak, I need this more than you know.....
Oh, Shrooms. I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you until you feel all warm inside.
I hope that releasing those feelings out into cyberspace helped make you feel better.
Powerful Shroom. I love the picture. It says it all.
a beautiful post that I can relate to. As a mother, we're responsible for creating our childrens' memories, we're responsible for protecting them, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.
Bravo to you for being so aware. Hang in there. The children will grow up and form their own opinions.
You need a publisher. Seriously! I can relate to your thoughts and feelings so much. You have a beautiful, sensitive, and loving soul beneath a smart n' sexy exterior and you always make me melt.
Sherry- thank you honey... you give the best ermmmm hugs....
Slaygirl- thanks, me and my baby girl..
Old lady- thanks...
Ms Smack- we are, I think sometimes in the heat of it all and the hectic times we live in, we forget that... I always try to see my actions as a framework, that builds upon all the framework I have laid before, building them into the best possible people I could hope for...
Angela- awwww sweetie thank you.... I am a blob of goo at your feet....
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