If I could take back any lies that I have ever told it would be the following statement;
"You're the best I have ever had."
A statement that we really shouldn't make ever, even if your lover rocks your world to the core. I have haphazardly thrown that line out a few times, and man o man does it always come back to bite me in the ass. (and not in a good way!) They all think that statement entitles them to free bootie calls for life. I'd rather pull my own teeth than endure bad sex! My ex husband must have a radar that lets him know when I have met someone because like clockwork I get the, "I want you phone call" A phone call that used to throw me in a tailspin but alas I have truly moved on. I moved on like two years ago but a certain someone has recently sealed the deal. Anyways, the call came the other day, it went a little something like this:
Him- mmmm, babe I want you soo bad
Me- umm whatever, did you send the child support?
Him-You don't want me?
Me- no, seriously why are you calling me?
Him- cuz I was thinking of coming up to visit.
Me- gas is to expensive, save your money.
Him- you know it was good, you don't want this dick?
Me- Ohh God, no (laughing)
Him- if you close your eyes, can't you feel my lips on your neck, running them down your body, pleasuring you. Can't you feel this dick?
Me- nope.... Listen, I am watching Friends is there a point to this story?
Him-You said I was the best you ever had, we really never had any problems in that area. You know if I was there we would be fucking.
Me- ok hold the phone, no we wouldn't- You were never the best I ever had, not even close, I lied! You were a lousy kisser and that is where it all starts. You mouth was cold and tasted like cow shit, and if I didn't enjoy kissing you, why do you think I enjoyed anything else your nasty little mouth did. And speaking of dick- give me a break ok? Don't make me hurt your feelings.
Him-ohh yeah, thanks a lot- (click, the phone slams)
Why the fuck do we ever say those words? To feed their precious egos? Why do they ask us, "was it good for you?" Sorta puts you in an awkward situation. I have had a few men that have rocked me Amadeus but I never had to tell them, actions spoke louder than words. But for the handful who truly needed some schooling- I told them that? I must have been retarded.
Moral of the story:
Never tell a man he was the best, especially if he wasn't.
Never sleep with my ex husband you'll be disappointed
"You're the best I have ever had."
A statement that we really shouldn't make ever, even if your lover rocks your world to the core. I have haphazardly thrown that line out a few times, and man o man does it always come back to bite me in the ass. (and not in a good way!) They all think that statement entitles them to free bootie calls for life. I'd rather pull my own teeth than endure bad sex! My ex husband must have a radar that lets him know when I have met someone because like clockwork I get the, "I want you phone call" A phone call that used to throw me in a tailspin but alas I have truly moved on. I moved on like two years ago but a certain someone has recently sealed the deal. Anyways, the call came the other day, it went a little something like this:
Him- mmmm, babe I want you soo bad
Me- umm whatever, did you send the child support?
Him-You don't want me?
Me- no, seriously why are you calling me?
Him- cuz I was thinking of coming up to visit.
Me- gas is to expensive, save your money.
Him- you know it was good, you don't want this dick?
Me- Ohh God, no (laughing)
Him- if you close your eyes, can't you feel my lips on your neck, running them down your body, pleasuring you. Can't you feel this dick?
Me- nope.... Listen, I am watching Friends is there a point to this story?
Him-You said I was the best you ever had, we really never had any problems in that area. You know if I was there we would be fucking.
Me- ok hold the phone, no we wouldn't- You were never the best I ever had, not even close, I lied! You were a lousy kisser and that is where it all starts. You mouth was cold and tasted like cow shit, and if I didn't enjoy kissing you, why do you think I enjoyed anything else your nasty little mouth did. And speaking of dick- give me a break ok? Don't make me hurt your feelings.
Him-ohh yeah, thanks a lot- (click, the phone slams)
Why the fuck do we ever say those words? To feed their precious egos? Why do they ask us, "was it good for you?" Sorta puts you in an awkward situation. I have had a few men that have rocked me Amadeus but I never had to tell them, actions spoke louder than words. But for the handful who truly needed some schooling- I told them that? I must have been retarded.
Moral of the story:
Never tell a man he was the best, especially if he wasn't.
Never sleep with my ex husband you'll be disappointed
15 comments:
The laughter following "Ohh God, no" was priceless -- I can't believe he didn't stop then. At least he's persistent.
Don't worry, your husband wasn't high up my list anyway.
I don't understand this post. Can you do it in paint?
I like how this turns into a public service post to other females near the end while at then same time cramping your ex-husband's 'game', if it can be called such.
Nice multi-tasking, Shroom.
wow man, you sure know how to beat those fuckers down.
For real.
Having been around the pool a few times you're well qualified to separate the wheat from the chaff.
err.you get me?
Damn
However I still love you beautiful,
From a distance-oh-oh!dedadum-dum...
You are fucking hysterical. Why did I not come here the other day when you commented on my blog? Why? Thank God for boredom at work.
I never ask if it was good.
I usually just take the tape off and tell them to stop crying.
hey shroomy, and the worst part with those ex husbands is that you have to still continue to semi-stroke their fucking egos, cause they can continue to make your life hell .... forever.
Ex-husbands?! Try ex-wives. I got two and a significant other that used to send me thinly veiled death threats via email. You womens are down right evil sometimes. Eveel I say.
But yea...this dude sounds like a jerk. I've had that "what did I see in them" syndrome so much I stopped trusting myself.
Plus, as a rule, I suck.
Wow....I'm (actually) speechless! That was some conversation! it's posts like this that keep me from blogrolling you on my "g-rated" blog, you know....But you know I love you!
and you know i love posts like this!
Creepy-persistant, umm more like asshole.
Christopher- I would forever loose respect for you if he was even on your list???
Dale- NO! Paint only handles celebrities - not pond scum
Mob- thanks, just trying to be helpful, I am such a nice person!
Merlin- you know I love you too, my darling freaky deaky!
Blonde Vigilante- ohh thank you, thank (bowing, accepting my flowers and charitable donations of cash- no checks or money orders)
Phoomaton- they sure don't, welcome to the school of Shroom Monkey (I am soo lame!!)
Creepy- you sound like my kind of guy- I like tape- I like it a lot!! I can be as evil as you want me to be.....
Reese- We gotta take back the power sister! We have to empower ourselves, make our mark, do it ourselves without those lousy men!
Who am I kidding- I would be lost without a little dick now and then.....
Haley O- yeah I was wondering why, I never got linked up on your site- but I understand... I love you too girl- your my safe place- when I have those rare moments of niceness....
And you're my safe place-when I have those not-so-rare moments of nautiness! (Thanks for understanding the blogroll thing--I don't blogroll everyone, anyway, just sites that are sorta like mine, i.e., similar theme, etc..) But, for the record, you're definitely a "Cheaty Blogger"!
Damn- you made my dick shrivel. That story was the best I ever heard.
Oh, that was fucking halarious!! Yeah, your right, men who are good know it. The ones who need the insurance probably just gave there best and if that is the bar you set it you can be assured that you have just doomed yourself to bad sex.
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